I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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