it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
