I have demons in me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
