He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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