i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
