is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My life is pants optional.
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