there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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