I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
