my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
