True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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