the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh god it's open bar.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
