I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
false alarm. still invincible.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
