I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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