Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
