Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
