So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
