My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i think im in europe. pls send help
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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