True but thats because hes a fetus.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
