Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
