Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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