I have demons in me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
