mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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