I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
