Your face is a jimmy john
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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