So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
