What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
