Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
