I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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