By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
