Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
