also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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