Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My underwear smells like fireworks.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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