I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
