if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
