i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
