so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
