apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
