speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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