Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
