I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
