i was born a porn star she said
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
