1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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