Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
