2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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