Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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