I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
