??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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