how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
