I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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