Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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