You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
