She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
