just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
